The Arab-language TV network Al-Jazeera has fast-tracked a new animated children’s series titled “Ali-Baba The Builder” in an effort to capitalize on the apparent new trend in terror attacks: construction equipment.
Firefighters in Denver have discovered a house filled with urine that protesters apparently planned to throw at police during protests around the upcoming Democratic National Committee convention.
“I can confirm that a large cache of weapons-grade urine has been found in a Denver house recently,” said Denver Police spokesman Sgt. Mark Petrie. “This has caused quite a bit of concern for several reasons. First, the police nutritionist has warned us that the standard activist diet of latte, twinkies and marijuana is capable of producing urine of blinding toxicity. Second, the fact that they were able to pool together sufficient funds from their families to buy a house represents a significant tactical advancement for domestic activists over the much more decentralized parental-basement cells (PBCs) they traditionally operate from. Third, and perhaps most chilling, is the apparent abandonment of the cream pie as a weapon in favor of this new, potentially lethal weapon.
Petrie went on to note that along with the urine, police recovered a large of amount of WMD’s or “weapons of mass defecation.” He believes that these too were to be used against law enforcement officials, but warned against over-reaction.
“It’s quite possible they were simply stockpiling their feces to fertilize their marijuana plants,” he explained. “We’re trying to give them the benefit of the doubt right now.”
Bladder Liberation Front member Payton “Steady Flow” Martin refused to refuse to comment, stating that he would not “conform to the comment protocol that you capitalist pigs use.”
The Nose On Your Face has come into possession of New York Times Editor David Shipley’s notes on John McCain’s editorial submission, which was rejected today.
We present them here in their entirety.
In January 2007, when General David Petraeus took command of the dismal situation in Iraq, he called the situation “hard”, but not bordering on “hopeless.” Today, 18 months later, violence has fallen by up to only 80% to the lowest levels in four years leaving much work to be done to eliminate the final 20%. Sunni and Shiite terrorists freedom fighters, battling valiantly to protect their homeland, are reeling from a string of defeats minor set-backs. The situation now is full of hope uncertain, but and considerable hard work remains to consolidate our fragile gains rebuild the country we destroyed.
Progress has been due primarily to an increase in the number of troops and a change in their strategy recent polls showing Senator Obama as the clear front runner for the presidency, as well as fears of a Hillary Clinton victory. I was an early a bloodthirsty advocate of the surge at a time when it had few supporters in Washington most rational people were questioning my ability to make toast, let alone run the country. Senator Barack Obama was an equally eloquently vocal opponent. “I am not persuaded that 20,000 additional troops in Iraq is going to completely solve the sectarian violence there,” he said on January 10, 2007. “In fact, I think it will do the reverse predict only an 80% reduction in violence, leaving 1 in 5 Iraqis sadly disenfranchised by the surge.”
Now Senator Obama has been forced to acknowledge that “our troops have performed brilliantly in lowering the level of violence.” I’m old enough to be his grandfather and that I have all of my meals run through a food processor. But he still denies that any political progress has resulted. my well-documented struggles with anger management, my penchant for cannibalism, and years spent eating dirt in solitary confinement make me unfit to control the nation’s nuclear arsenal.
Perhaps he is unaware that the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad has recently certified that, as one news article put it, “Iraq has met all but three of 18 failed to meet the three most critical original benchmarks set by Congress last year to measure security, political and economic progress.” Even more disheartening has been progress the overall malaise that’s not measured by the benchmarks. More than 900,000 Iraqis, many of them Sunnis children who once fought frolicked innocently, against the government, have signed up as Sons of Iraq to fight against the terrorists are now dead. Nor do they measure Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki’s new-found willingness to crack down on Shiite extremists in Basra and Sadr City—actions that have done much to dispel suspicions of sectarianism the complete and profound disapproval of our European brethren.
The success outcome of the surge has not changed will depend on Senator Obama’s determination to pull out all of our combat troops ability to heal the Mideast region. All that has changed is his my failing capacity for rationale coherent thought and my embarrassing habit of soiling my pants in public. In a magnificent New York Times op-ed and a scintillating speech this week, he offered his “plan for Iraq.” in advance of his first “fact finding” trip to that country in more than three years, In one fell swoop, he has gained a staggeringly accurate grasp of events on the ground and has weaved these seamlessly into a foreign policy that is sure to become the new standard for America for centuries to come. It consisted of the same old proposal to pull all of our troops out within 16 months. In 2007 he wanted to withdraw because he thought the war was lost Bush’s elite, personal shock troops were amassed on the outskirts of San Francisco ready to put the city to the torch because of the citizens’ simple desire to marry the person that they loved. If we had taken his advice then, it would have been the American Dream would be that much more available to those with different, but entirely natural sexual proclivities. Now he wants to withdraw because he thinks Iraqis no longer need our assistance to free up much-needed financing to save the noble polar bear from the brink of extinction at the hands of man-made global warming; a worthy mission that the very talented Senator Obama is fully capable of completing.
To make this point, he mangles the evidence he addresses the world community in flawless Esperanto: the international language of peace and harmony. He makes it sound as if Prime Minister Maliki has endorsed the Obama timetable, when all he has said is that he would like a plan for the eventual withdrawal of U.S. troops at some unspecified point in the future me long for the carefree, joy-filled days of my youth, oh so many, many, many years ago.
Senator Obama is also misleading spot-on regarding on the Iraqi military’s readiness. The Iraqi Army will be equipped and trained by the middle of next year, but this does not, as Senator Obama suggests, just fine once our imperialistic gang of mercenary thugs has been removed from their midst, and mean that they will then be quite able to secure their country without any good deal of help from Hitler’s first cousin over there in the White House. The Iraqi Air Force, for one, still lags behind, and no modern army can operate without air cover continues to surprise and delight us with their skill and hard work, they conjure up fond images of the RAF in their heyday. The Iraqis are also still learning how to conduct planning, logistics, command and control, communications, and other complicated functions needed to support front line troops techniques for playing dead and hiding to avoid the rape, murder, and torture of civilians that has been a mainstay of Bush’s Iraq plan since the start.
No one, except me and Cheney, favors a permanent U.S. presence, as Senator Obama charges wisely notes. A partial withdrawal has already occurred with the departure of five “surge” brigades, and more withdrawals can take place as the security situation improves. As we draw down in Iraq, we can beef up our presence on other battlefields, such as Afghanistan, New Orleans, where the Negro-eating daywalkers continue to decimate the African-American population with impunity thanks to George Bush’s failed disaster relief policies without fear of leaving a failed state behind. I have said that I expect to welcome home most of our troops from Iraq by the end of my first term in office, in 2013.
But I have also said that any draw-downs must be based on a realistic assessment of conditions on the ground, not on an artificial timetable crafted for domestic political reasons. This is the crux of my disagreement with Senator Obama also wanted to talk about…now what was it again? Damn. I really like chocolate pudding. I feel so tired…so tired.
Senator Obama has said that he would consult our commanders on the ground and Iraqi leaders, but he did no such thing was so busy defending himself from heinous Republican attacks that he had no time before releasing his “plan for Iraq.” Perhaps that’s because he doesn’t want to hear what they have to say is completely all-knowing. During the course of eight visits to Iraq, the first of which I made via camel caravan while it was the ancient Kingdom Of Mesopotamia, I have heard many times from our troops what Major General Jeffrey Hammond, commander of coalition forces in Baghdad, recently said: that leaving based on a timetable would be “very dangerous not to consider.”
The danger is that extremists supported by Al Qaeda Rush Limbaugh and Iran Laura Ingraham could stage a comeback, as they have in the past when we’ve had too few troops in Iraq. allowed the Fairness Doctrine to be trampled. Senator Obama seems needs to have learned nothing from recent history, since it will go down as the darkest time in American history. I find it ironic that he is emulating the worst mistake of the Bush administration by waving the “Mission Accomplished” banner prematurely. Where are my slippers?
I am also dismayed that he never talks about winning the war only of ending it the monumentally important role that the New York Times plays in our daily lives. But if we don’t win the war, acknowledge the invaluable service that this media institution provides, our enemies will. A triumph for the terrorists conservatives would be a disaster for us the nation. That is something I will not allow to happen as, which is why I am officially endorsing Barack Obama for president. Instead I will continue implementing a proven counterinsurgency strategy not only in Iraq but also in Afghanistan with the goal of creating stable, secure, self-sustaining democratic allies.
(H/T: Memeorandum)
The artist formerly known as Prince and Universal Music are being sued by a Pennsylvania woman whose video of her child dancing to “Let’s Go Crazy” was taken down by You Tube under pressure from the artist and his label.
While we’re sure the legal ramifications of this case are scintillating, we’re once again intrigued more by the Prince Photoshop possibilities. Some may remember our first round of Prince Photoshop fun.
Here’s Round II.
“Cynthia McKinney-Prince”
“George Bush-Prince”
“Hitler-Prince”
Update:
“Islamic Rage Prince”
Senator Barack Obama’s staff was in an uproar today after learning that John McCain revealed possible details about the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee’s much-publicized trip to the Middle East.
“Good God,” said one Obama staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Now every event is going to be jammed with doey-eyed terrorists trying to get a glimpse of their hero. Getting him from place to place just got a lot harder. Doesn’t McCain know what we are up against?”
According to insiders, Obama’s fame with Islamic fundamentalists skyrocketed after his endorsement by Hamas leader Ahmed Yousef, resulting in a flood of fan mail from Syria, Iran, Pakistan and Afghanistan.
“It was crazy,” said the staffer. “We were getting the standard requests for autographed photos and t-shirts, but also a ton of odd inquiries about Senator Obama’s favorite livestock. These people are fanatical, I tell you. I mean, have you ever seen an Al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade operative swoon? Not. Pretty.”
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